Marks and Remarks
Food for the Mind and Eye

No. 0139, September 14, 2017


DEPT. OF EXPERIMENTAL DERMATOLOGY


  Ecstasy Without the Agony


     "Potential Scratch Sites"



Copyright 2017 by S.W. Paul Wyszkowski


     Couple of decades ago I lived a little north of where I live now, in the cutest itsy bitsy tiny brick cottage which had a large front yard and a large back yard, both infested with poison ivy and bamboo. The perennial battle with the bamboo and the ivy was one of the defining experiences of living there. And that's how I discovered that the most intense pleasure a human being can experience is scratching a proper itch.

     No taste nor fragrance nor sound nor sight, no drug, and not even the most fabulous orgasm can compare with the insane ecstasy of scratching the right kind of an itch. Poison ivy itch qualifies if sufficiently extensive (just a few little blisters won't do it). However, there is a fatal flaw in obtaining your pleasure in this manner. Celestial as it may feel initially, scratching a poison ivy itch is the worst thing you can do - it spreads the infection and, worse yet, intensifies the itch without relieving it. Very soon an irresistible craving for relief drives you to shred your own flesh and you can't stop until the pleasure turns to unbearable pain. In other words, don't do it - the price is too high.

     Well, as it happens (and as I reported some time ago - in a Nutshell, I believe) I have discovered the equivalent of the Philosopher's Stone - a way to experience this exquisite pleasure while at the same time fully and completely satisfying the itch and without doing any damage to myself. I'm sure people of a more psychopathic turn of mind than mine would not hesitate to kill for this knowledge. To avoid having innocent blood on my hands (possibly my own) I am hereby freely revealing my secret to the world, no need for violence.

     The secret involves two essential items: a European style shower head on a hose (to enable you to easily reach the affected areas), and hot water, about as hot as you can stand without burning yourself. That's it. Instead of scratching, spray and bliss out. The beauty of this method is that when you stop spraying there is no residual itch left at all and absolutely no further craving to scratch. You've had your fun in full and cured the itch to boot. A win-win par excellence.

     This, then, is my legacy to the world. Call it the Wyszkowski's Awesome Itch Therapy in memoriam of me. "That's your entire legacy?" asks Prickles, our resident holistic dermatologist and a winsome hedgehog. Pretty much. Unless you also count Wyszkowski's Fourth Law of Thermodynamics.

     

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